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22/08/2022
Does the void make noise?On August 22th of 2022, NASA released a video demystifying the inability of space to make or carry sound. While itās partly true, as sound is a mechanical wave ( therefore it needs matter to travel), the video shows that black holes, as theyāre constantly in expansion and surrounded by dark matter, do make something akin to sound.When I first heard the sounds of a black hole, I thought it sounded very unpleasant, so I closed the video immediately. After seeing a ātweetā about how it sounded the voices from souls trapped in hell, It first made me laugh, then made me think. We are all living beings of Earth, nothing but a small spectacle in the grand universe; this statement is accepted in many ways by people, while it could lead them to live life to the fullest without worries, it can also send a crushing, devastating billion ton anvil down somebodyās head. If my existence is so ordinary what is the point of living, what am I doing all day? Is it human nature, is it humanās purpose to live, to just carry on until you meet the final destination? For the modern capitalistic hungry times, your purpose is to produce, to become a product and to be discarded on your expiration date. Black holes do not have an end, in fact they are both end and beginning, where the universe begins and where it ends, where nothing can reach; it cries.Would, then, the purpose of a human, of planets, of all things to become a black hole? To become something that is surrounded by matter, by what makes everything and everything; hurling out for the entire universe to hear. Itās clear that a black hole, as a physical, existing, real thing cannot answer most of humanityās philosophical questions, created by their own delusion/consciousness, yet it can represent something in a humanās point of view.A black hole is a tragedy, itās a miracle, itās everything and nothing. The gravitational pull of a black hole is so strong that, even being surrounded by matter, it never stops taking, just taking , trying to catch up to the ever expanding universe. Create matter, consume matter. The black holes are trapped in an infinite loop, always running and never getting to a finish line that doesnāt even exist. Itās greedy and never tiring, it wants, wants and wants. Maybe human greed can be explained through black holes, maybe we all swallowed one upon birth; maybe itās what consumes us , maybe itās what keeps us alive.Hearing the screams of a black hole this afternoon, it came to me a realization that I already had with me, but that I was keeping it in this tight little box, trying desperately to control a never ending instability. Itās quick to notice that a black hole cannot be controlled. I thought, by listening to those high frequencies that, in reality, sound like a bunch of nothing, how the void can be so grandiose, how it can go so far that not even the light is fast enough to reach it, how this thing I was trying to keep down was never kept down in the first place. My end, my purpose. I foolish thought that one day the unstable would stabilize, that the feeling would cease, that the black hole would end.Black holes are nothing and everything. They are, like I am, like everyone is, very lonely. Its cries canāt be heard without care and attention and because of it, itās hard to understand it. To accept it. To absorb that no it will never stop, that no there is no end, that there is no purpose, that there is only living and living. I thought myself to be lonely the ways humans are lonely, but hearing the sobs of an unparalled, incomprehensible act of nature shows me, shows us: a black hole is loneliness as loneliness is, as natural as night and day keep going and going and going, as something impenetrable to human interference, to capitalistic desires.I wish to take the black hole outside of the little box, will it consume just as it creates me? Will I become an entirely different or will I keep being just as I am, just renovated and destroyed over and over again. Iāll leave the good answers to the writers, the philosophers and the poets. For me, itās simpler.I just swallowed a black hole.
22/11/2022
I found out I didnāt pass my exams again (for the third time).
And it feels incredibly isolating .
Where was I? Where did I go? Is this me? Am I this stupid fucking error? Where have I been the past two years?
It seems nothing ever goes right in my life. I should be thankful I am not being abused or beaten by this point.
I canāt even hold a smile because Itās baffling. Just baffling. What happened to this entire fucking year?? Did I throw it away in two days?
I want to tear my brain open for exposition and I want to scream at everyone: This is not me, please, you have to know Iām better than this. I can be better than this.
My arrogance and my ego are my greatest faults and for them I have been punished time and time again. What if Iām one of those delusional people? What if I just didnāt know what was happening the entire time and I just confused myself thinking I was doing great the entire time. Maybe thatās how I fooled everyone around me into thinking the same thing. Iām just a great disaster with a shiny finish, trying to hide the cracks in which the real, abhorrent me steps out.
I donāt deserve to be forgiven just as I canāt bear to look at myself in the mirror anymore. My mom , my therapist. my friends , my grandma. People who said yes, you; you have what it takes. To you, I wanna get on my knees and apologize for being insufficient, for being too me, too much more than I can handle being. Iām sorry for the false advertisement, Iām the failure people said I was the entire time.
I donāt wanna show my face on the streets anymore. I donāt wanna have anyoneās phone numbers. I want everybody to forget I exist. Maybe that way I can handle things a bit better. Maybe if no oneās watching, I can become the person Iāve deluded myself into thinking I am. Maybe I can reach her.
Nothing I do is ever good enough.
I like that one quote. āMother, eat me and birth me out again; that way, I can become someone else.ā I want to move cities, I want to be a stranger on the streets and feel lonely when I come home alone.
What can I even do? Iāll always be looked at with that sentiment of āAh. That was you. You tried that so many times and you still failed.ā My bones should shaven down and have their marrows sucked dry. I want all my organs to be donated so they can be of worthy use the way they werenāt for me.
I feel it coming, the big break. The one thatās been coming for a few years. The one where I stop obeying my parents, the one where I stop being nice and I let the bitterness take over me, the one where I stay up for 48 hours and lie to my psychiatrist for more medicine, the one where I let clothes pile around, where I lock myself in my room and prohibit any kind of cleaning, the one where I make all my friends hate me because that way I donāt hate myself alone.
Iām so tired of being composed. I want to break down. And it 's coming.